I’ve had some time to think about my love and how it works. The person who first sparked this conversation was Little Miss Drug Pusher (FKA Little Miss Dream Seller); she told me “I knew I loved you the first time we had a phone conversation”. Now, to most people that would be a red flag… but for me I wanted to know the how and why of it. I asked her to explain and she went on to give me some flowery language about how her love works and how knowing the inner workings of her love helps her be a better lover. So, unbeknownst to her this conversation has stuck with me for nearly a year.
I first had to concretely identify what romantic love was for me. I love the color mint green, Indian food and my Mother all respectively however, each of those things call for a different type of love from me that isn’t romantic. Romantic love for me is simultaneously fluid and never ending meaning if I ever say “I love you” to a mate some part of me always will. Now will she always be the one to make me feel bubbly, or smile? No. Love can change for me. But once I love you with the exception of extreme offense I always will, often times at a different capacity. Perhaps how my love works is why it’s so fucking intense and seemed uncontrollable. In the past the shit (my love) snuck in and planted roots without the permission or consultation of anyone… not even me! My love was erratic and explosive hard to contain mostly cause I didn’t know shit about it. Not only did I never take the time to figure how my love worked I was fucking around and “falling in love” with other folks before I first fell in love with myself. Now I’ve always dug me, but I only recently fell in love with myself after identifying what romantic love was for me.
After realizing my love by my own definition sounded an awful lot like a wild fire or volcano I realized some shit had to change. With the exception of Little Miss Church clothes (FKA Little Miss something new) I’ve been extremely careful with my heart and who I invest my time in now that I know my love is something that will last forever and pop up randomly I gotta be mindful of that shit. I have high hopes that the next time I take a chance on love that I will be able to love in a calmer but equally passionate manner. I feel better mentally and emotionally equipped for love now… and that’s a super dope feeling. The level of peace I have internally I refuse to trade for anything… No matter how deep, sweet or fresh she might be. Make shit more peaceful or get gone.