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Doing what I NEED vs what I want.

If moving to California hasn’t done anything else for me- it has made me challenge my comfort. I insisted on staying in Atlanta despite my floundering because it was comfortable. I knew people and the area, I am something of a “celezbian” there. I will make no excuses or ask for any pardons… I stayed in Atlanta cause I didn’t want to get adjust to anywhere else! Atlanta is more than just a place for me… It’s more like a person. I loved her despite her raggedy roads, horrid traffic, unreasonable rent spikes, and most tragically despite how much she showed me she didn’t love me as much as I loved her I insisted on trying to make things work with her.
I moved to Atlanta in 2002 for college in attempts to “be with my people” I grew up in Fremont, California a place that is usually 2-4% black. I honestly tired of being “the black one” and decided to only apply to HBCUs decided on Morris Brown (rest in peace). I got to Atlanta saw my first pack of studs and was SOLD! I cried a lot when I first got to Atlanta it was sooooo different from home but baby, once I found my way You woulda thought I was from there! I tried moving home once in 20009 but ended up lasting only 5 months 3 weeks 2 days chiefly because I was dating someone in Atlanta and I thought it was “real” (LMAO-dummy) Blah,Blah. fast-forward to 2019- due to various circumstances that were out of my control and a “come to Jesus” meeting with my Mom I decided it was time for a “hard reset” and the only place i could do that was back home
It’s funny cause pretty much no one knew how depressed I was or the financial hardships I was enduring in Atlanta because I presented well. Niggas in Atlanta love hitting me with “Maaannn WE MISS YOU!” I feel like Drake when he said “I don’t wanna die for them to miss me”. Like y’all were only for me when I was providing a community service (SLAY). Atlanta’s EeJay is pretty much dead. Is she fun? fuck yea! I literally don’t have the desire to be a “thing” you feel me?! I’m not saying I was fake but I amplified a tiny part of me… THE SHIT WAS TIRESOME. Always presenting as cheerful even when I’m not- getting shouted out when I get to parties is strange, hugging strangers is odd, wondering if people REALLY wanna be your friend or if they just tryna party for free is wildly off-putting. I mean, yea, I have a tight group of friends that have become more like family over the years I wouldn’t trade my framily for anything, I love those clowns!
I miss Atlanta almost every damn day! I miss the warmth of whats left of the southern hospitality; I miss being appreciated for both my bigness and blackness and how wonderfully the two come together! The party scene here is dry compared to Atlanta. I guess if I didn’t know how lit Atlanta is I would think Bay Area life was just fine. Allas, I know better and I miss Atlanta and go out knowing it will make me miss Atlanta more. I’m trying my best to stay out of Atlanta for a full year so I can get her out of my system.
I needed this move dawg… like I really did- outside of this ankle shit I’m thriving! this job is cute AF, I’m able to stack and buy myself nice things.I don’t like the women here for real… that sucks. But whatever… I guess it doesn’t matter, I’ve met some nice women. I stayed in Atlanta to feed my insecurities- but I’m not not on that shit anymore.
But I mean…. I’m still doing me