I used to be a busy body, someone who always knew where the next turn up was and was there with a drink (or two) in hand. That life was beautifully exhausting and fun at the same time. I ran with a sickening crowd of close friends where it was easy to forget about what really mattered or perhaps what was ailing me. I loved every single moment of this… I really and truly did. I was almost always buzzed or drunk to the point where I was recently told I behaved like Drunk Goldie Hawn in The First Wives club back then.
I recently have wanted nothing more than to be alone- it at times causes extreme discomfort to be around people unless its by my own choosing on my terms. If I halfheartedly agree to do something with people I know very well I find it very hard to fake the funk like I’m enjoying myself and find a quiet and easy exit strategy without bidding my loved ones adieu. You might see how this would be problematic for a person who was once a social butterfly. Butterflies never go back into a cocoon to become caterpillars! So because of all this I have been labeled distant, sometimey, weird, aloof, etc by people who have no clue what this change is that I’m going through due to NO choice of my own. My birthday is next week and this is causing me real life panic.
This alone time has been lonely as fuck; like, no shit…. I still experience loneliness- but in groups I feel like I’m drowning. Yet while in my lonely state- I’ve been crazy productive: on so many levels mentally,spiritually and physically. I Realized I’m super good at doing a ton of things I never imaged I could do and developed talents I knew I had… decided to write children’s books, made a legit piece of furniture, I have been cooking crazy good healthy food, found a new tea regimen that really makes my day better, I’m even teaching Sunday school to the kids at my church home. I’ve always hated the term “Finding myself” one because I go nowhere without myself- its impossible…. But now I get it. I’m finding exactly what it is that makes me the dopest me that I’ve ever been. Would it be good to share this with my friends and they get it? fuck yes! Half of them are over me (and that’s cool, I guess) Most wont get it, but I have three who do. To you three I appreciate it- more than yall will ever know.
as always- my feelings are best expressed through song- really its only the first three bars (hmmm there goes the number three again). Its jammy nonetheless- I love SBTRKT
ITS COMPLICATED WHEN YOU GRAVITATE TOWARDS YOURSELF