I’ve spent the better part of 2017 as a romantic tumbleweed. I kept dating a woman I knew damn well was no good for my creative process far longer than I should’ve, my ex (I will tell you which one when I’m ready) re-entered my life in a constant state of limbo and just as I was almost ready to stop trying to date-a blast from the past enters. Let’s Call her Bambi.
Now Bambi made it crystal clear roughly a decade ago she was interested in me. She was around before Little Miss One Who Got Away and Little Miss Crazy-town. I knew she was too nice n’ sweet and the person I WAS at the time didn’t have the skill set necessary to deal with someone that sweet. I would think of her periodically over the years and think of how I gave fuckbois of my past chances when I should’ve given her one. I somehow convinced myself she had gotten engaged (through FB lurking) fast forward a couple of years.
Bambi makes a comment on one of my many Facebook re-posts we talk about how I’m back in Atlanta (and how my departure was short lived), cleared up that she’d never been engaged or married, exchanged numbers and kind of flirty kicked it for a minute.
I couldn’t get over the fact that I curved her pretty ass and how I never noticed how tall she was. I mean it really fucked me up how dope she was. It was a legit “teenage dream” feeling. Now, I constantly had to remind myself that Bambi said she WAS NOT looking for a relationship and was seeing other people (cool, cause I mean I was too. She was the priority tho) we even called our dates “frates” (friendship dates). We were just friends according to her. Nevertheless I couldn’t help the fact that when she called or text I got giddy and I couldn’t stop smiling when I was in her presence. I thought “better late than never” and kept rolling with the punches.
Bambi asked me a flat out question about my dealings with a friend and if it ever got physical. I didn’t want to lie so I told her that her inclination was correct. She yelled at me insinuated that I was deceptive went smooth off on my ass. I tried to plead my case she was having none of it. I didn’t think it was fair seeing as though it was in the past and never romantic; she of course disagreed. Told me there was no bad blood and we were good just not the same kind of good as before. All this was hella confusing for me- I had told NO one about my physical non romantic friendship dealings that had upset Bambi and if we were just “friends with a flirty undertone” (her words not mine) why’d she pump breaks so suddenly?! This put me into a spiral, like a serious one. I’d was mad, sad, and anxious all at once. I wanted to write, drink go for a jog, decorate, pack (I’m moving), and cook an elaborate meal!! That’s when I realized that my creativity was back. I could write something again. IM DONE DATING until further notice. Even when I try my hardest I can’t get shit right.
I know this was all over the place… at least it’s something
till next time